Cobra Commander And The Pirates
by Red Witch
Summary: The Bad News: The Cobras are attacked by pirates. The Good News: These pirates are just as hopless as they are.


**The disclaimer has been shanghaied. It was going to tell you that I don't own any GI Joe characters. Oh well here's another Cobra out at sea story! **

**Cobra Commander And The Pirates**

"Look at the stars," Cobra Commander looked at the sky on the deck of the ship. He was addressing his remaining Cobra team. "There's the Southern Cross over there. No wait…That's Orion's Belt. And that must be the Big Dipper…Or maybe not…Hold on I know this…"

"That's it. We're officially lost," The Baroness groaned.

"We are not lost! We just don't technically know where we are!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And yes I **heard** what I said! I just need to get my bearings!"

"That will be a new experience for you," Destro folded his arms. "Since you've been practically plastered since 1988!"

"Well it's not **my fault** that the ship's guidance systems aren't working!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Blame Mindbender for that!"

"Oh sure. Blame the mad scientist when his inventions go wrong," Mindbender grumbled.

"That's because it is your fault!" The Baroness snapped. "Your stupid invention **did **go wrong and now we are lost!"

"Okay in hindsight using a powerful electromagnetic amplifier on the ship's compass may not have had the intended effect I was going for," Mindbender shrugged.

"May have?" Xamot shouted.

"Your stupid invention shorted out our guidance systems!" Tomax snapped.

"Now we are stranded in the middle of the ocean!" Xamot shouted.

"With no idea where we are!" Tomax snapped.

"Well it's not my fault that we had to stop the engine and drop anchor because we are running low on fuel!" Mindbender snapped. "I'm not the one who had to fool around with the ship and go water skiing!"

"We like water skiing!" Xamot snapped.

"It's a hobby!" Tomax shouted.

"An expensive hobby that endangered our lives!" The Baroness snapped.

"Oh really?" Xamot glared at the Baroness. "Funny you of all people would complain about our lives being in danger."

"Considering **you** were in charge of filling the pantry at our last port of call," Tomax glared at her.

"Which you did," Xamot added. "If you consider diet shakes and vodka food!"

"Oh stop whining! We're in the middle of the world's biggest aquarium for crying out loud!" The Baroness snapped. "There's fish everywhere. All we have to do is…"

"Is what? There are no fishing poles on this boat!" Mindbender snapped. "How are we going to catch them Baroness? Use our bare hands?"

"How about we use your big bald head as **bait?"** The Baroness shouted.

"Now I want to say that's Libra up there but I don't know," Cobra Commander kept looking upwards. "That does not look like a pair of scales to me."

"I'm in Hell," Destro moaned. "Doesn't matter if we die or not. Still going to be in Hell either way."

"Is that a ship over there?" Mindbender pointed.

"Don't change the subject Mind-…" The Baroness began until she looked out where Mindbender was pointing. "Hey. That is a ship."

"We're saved!" The Twins yelled with glee.

"I doubt it," Destro grumbled.

"What makes you say that Destro?" Cobra Commander asked.

"A lifetime's worth of observation," Destro grumbled.

"Okay here's the plan! We wait until the ship comes closer, and once their guard is down we attack and take them prisoner and steal anything we can find," Cobra Commander said.

"Works for me," The Baroness smirked.

"Something tells me that is not what is going to happen," Destro sighed.

"Will you stop being so negative and trust me?" Cobra Commander hissed.

"Hey! Over here! Help! Help! AAAAAAAHH!" Mindbender waved to the ship before he dodged a laser blast at him. "AAAAH! They're firing at us!"

"I was right," Destro rolled his eyes. He pulled out his blaster and began firing at the ship. "I **told **you so!"

"Shut up Destro and fire!" Cobra Commander pulled out his blaster and started firing at the ship.

"Pirates!" The Baroness shouted as the shabby ship came into view. She pulled out her blaster and started firing along with the other Cobras.

"**Of course** it would be pirates!" Destro went on. "Why would it be someone **helpful?** But noooooooooooo! We get **pirates!"**

"Destro! Shut up and…" Cobra Commander began when a gas canister landed next to him. "GAS!"

"Knockout gas to be precise…" Destro rolled his eyes as the gas started to take effect. "I was…riiiiggggghht.." He passed out along with the other Cobras.

Except of course Cobra Commander. "Good thing I have filters in my helmet," Cobra Commander grumbled. Then something hit him hard and he was knocked out. "Oooh. Look at the pretty flying snakes…"

A short time later Cobra Commander woke up surrounded by pirates. "Well Commander it appears you were right after all," Destro said sarcastically. "Your plan **did** work. With one slight exception."

"Oh shut up Destro," Cobra Commander groaned as he sat up. To his relief he found they weren't tied up but their weapons were taken from them.

"_Trust me,_ you said," Destro went on. "_This plan will work_, you said! Like all your other plans! Failures! The lot of them!"

"Could you do me a favor and make **him **walk the plank first?" Cobra Commander pointed to Destro as the Cobras were made to stand up.

"No, but I could have you go first!" Someone spoke up.

They looked and saw a muscular man with long black hair in a topknot coming towards them. He had an eye patch over his right eye and a long thin black mustache. His chest was bare except for a brown vest with a pair of metal shoulder pads on them. He had long green pants with a black belt buckle with a silver wolf head on them. His boots were brown and he had a sword strapped to his back and a blaster holster attached to his belt.

"Your ship and booty belong to me, Zanzibar! Pirate of the seas! HA HA HA!" The pirate laughed in an Australian accent. His crew laughed with him.

"Wait, I **know **you!" Cobra Commander pointed. "You're that lunatic cousin of Zartan's!"

"Lunatic? I…Cobra Commander?" Zanzibar did a double take. "You're still **alive?"**

"YES I'M STILL ALIVE!" Cobra Commander shouted. "WHICH IS MORE THAT YOU WILL BE IF YOU DON'T PAY ME WHAT YOU OWE ME!"

"That's right! You screwed up that mission in 92 and cost Cobra ten million dollars!" The Baroness remembered.

"Oh…This is awkward," Zanzibar coughed.

"Not **again,**" A muscular dark skinned bald pirate standing next to Zanzibar rolled his eyes. "Is there anybody on this planet you **don't **owe money to?"

"Quiet first mate Pete!" Zanzibar snarled. "You are all now my prisoners! Your booty belongs to me!"

"What booty? They just said you owe them money!" Pete spoke up. "And we all know that anybody you owe money to is as broke as you are!"

"Shut up!" Zanzibar snarled.

"This is going to be like Cuba all over again isn't it?" Another pirate groaned.

"No! It's not!" Zanzibar snapped. "Just shut up and let me handle it!"

"Like you **handled **that shipment out of Singapore in 92?" Cobra Commander sneered.

"Okay in my defense I had **no idea** those explosives had been stored right next to the cases of gold bullion and printed cash," Zanzibar protested. "And I admit that was back in the days before I stopped doing drugs and got sober."

"**When** did you get sober?" Pete gave him a look. "Was I sick that day?"

"Didn't I tell you to _shut up_?" Zanzibar snarled. "As your captain I order you to shut up!"

"If this going to be like Cuba I'm telling you now I am **not **going to wear a dress again," Pete told his captain. "At least one that makes me look fat."

"Captain, we went below!" A couple of scrawny pirates emerged from below decks. "Other than a few crates of vodka and a broken EZ Bake Oven we couldn't find anything good!"

"I knew it!" Another pirate threw up his hands as the other pirates groaned.

"Great! I interrupted my manicure for nothing!" Another pirate yelled.

"Thanks a **lot** Zanzibar!" Another pirate yelled.

"I take it this happens often?" Destro asked calmly.

"All the time!" Pete groaned. "We haven't been paid in over a year!"

"Join the club," Mindbender groaned.

"The only reason we still stick with this jerk is because no one else will have us," Pete explained.

"We know how **that **goes," Xamot rolled his eyes.

"Excuse me?" Zanzibar's voice rose. "Is this a plundering or a bloody tea party?"

"I know I could go for something and I don't mean tea!" Pete glared at Zanzibar.

"You want a drink?" Mindbender asked.

"I wouldn't say no to a shot," Pete shrugged.

"Come on we have some in the galley," Mindbender waved.

"You're offering the pirates our booze?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Why not?" Mindbender shrugged. "Might as well be hospitable."

"Now that is right neighborly of you. Come on lads lets go have a drink," Pete waved.

"Excuse me!" Zanzibar shouted as the men started to follow Mindbender. "You're all on the clock here!"

"Pay us what you owe first!" A pirate called out.

"Then again I guess a short break couldn't hurt," Zanzibar coughed. "But all of you come straight back here and pick this up!"

"Yeah, yeah…" Pete waved as the pirates followed Mindbender down below.

"I mean it! I'm in charge!" Zanzibar shouted.

"Blow it out your ass, Zanzibar!" Another pirate called out.

"Oh what the hell?" Tomax shrugged. "Come brother!"

"Anyone up for a game of cards?" Xamot called out as they followed the pirates.

"Ooh! I could go for a round of Skip Bo!" A pirate cheered.

"Nah, Uno's a better game!" Another pirate called out.

Soon only Zanzibar was left on deck with Cobra Commander, Destro and the Baroness. "Well isn't this an interesting turn of events?" Zanzibar said nervously. "Small world eh?"

"You know hanging around with Torch and all the other Dreadnok dullards made me forget that there are people in this world even **dumber **than they are!" Destro growled. "Now I know."

"And knowing is a good reason to kick your ass!" Cobra Commander pointed.

"Now, now let's not be hasty here…" Zanzibar gulped as he backed away.

"I remember you when you worked for Cobra!" The Baroness advanced on him. "Didn't I catch you once in the women's locker room?"

"Would you believe me if I said I was lost?" Zanzibar pleaded. "LADS! HELP! YOUR CAPTAIN IS IN TROUBLE HERE!"

"WHO CARES?" Pete yelled back.

"WE'LL WORRY WHEN YOU START PAYING US!" Another pirate agreed.

"You guys are like a broken record when it comes to that!" Zanzibar snapped.

"And speaking of broken things…" The Baroness gave him a good right hook and knocked him down. Then she kicked him hard in a very soft area.

"Owie…" Zanzibar moaned.

"I also remember the time you were supposed to bring weapons to our troops and you lost them playing poker! You stupid, arrogant, idiotic…" The Baroness beat on the pirate.

"You know, it's quite fun watching the Baroness go at it when **you're **not the target of her ire," Destro whispered to Cobra Commander.

"True. The stuff I hate when she does to us, I **love** when she does it to our enemies," Cobra Commander nodded. "See Destro, this day was not a complete disaster after all!"

"I admit, I was skeptical," Destro shrugged.

"STOP! PLEASE! STOP! I'LL DO ANYTHING! ANYTHING!" Zanzibar screamed in pain.

"How about you pay us the money you owe?" Cobra Commander held up his hand signaling the Baroness to stop beating him. "Or at the very least a down payment?"

"Anything but **that!**" Zanzibar pleaded.

"Oh well. Baroness, as you were…" Cobra Commander waved.

"WAIT!" Zanzibar pleaded before she could throw another punch. "Can't we talk this over? Work something out? I'm broke! Busted! I have nothing! **Nothing!"**

"Not even self-respect apparently," Destro rolled his eyes. "No wonder Zartan and the other Dreadnoks want nothing to do with you."

"He's not here is he?" Zanzibar got to his knees. "Or Zarana? Oh God not her too!"

"Relax, you loathsome pirate," The Baroness sniffed in disgust as she got up. "Neither of them is with us along with the other Dreadnoks. They dumped us for a better paying job."

"Wait…Zartan has **money **now?" Zanzibar raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, he has money now," Destro folded his arms. "He's part of Mongoose Incorporated."

"What the hell is Mongoose Incorporated?" Zanzibar asked as he got to his feet.

"It's like Cobra. Only **successful,**" The Baroness groaned. Cobra Commander glared at her.

"Hold on. When was this?" Zanzibar asked.

"Last year? Why?" Destro raised an eyebrow.

"Bloody hell! I sent the blighter an e-mail and asked him what was new and he said nothing!" Zanzibar threw up his arms. "That's the thanks a caring uncle gets when he wants to know what's going on in his nephew's life!"

"Not to mention if he has any money for you to lend him," The Baroness folded her arms.

"Well I wouldn't say no to a few bob," Zanzibar shrugged.

"That isn't really fair is it?" Destro had an idea. "Here you are working hard and your own nephew has turned his back on you."

"You're right. After all I've done for the boy you would think he'd at least consider me for a management position!" Zanzibar snapped. "Where is this Mongoose Corporation again?"

"You have a piece of paper? I'll write down the address," Destro said helpfully.

"Oh yeah here. And a pen," Zanzibar pulled out a note pad from his pocket. He handed them to Destro.

"Okay here is his address and his last known e-mail," Destro wrote down. "There's a way to get in through the kitchen and the back door which I will write…And there! Here you go!"

"Thanks mate!" Zanzibar took the paper. "So that's where he's holed up! Huh! I'm gonna have a word with my nephew!"

"You should call your other relatives," Destro went on. "Make sure they have your back. And they can get in on Zartan's good fortune."

"Or at the very least make sure I get my share!" Zanzibar nodded. He stormed to the entrance of the lower decks. "LADS! TIME TO SET SAIL YOU BARNACLE BILGE RATS! WE GOT PLUNDERING TO DO!"

"NOT UNTIL AFTER WE FINISH OUR UNO GAME WE AIN'T!" Pete yelled.

"HEY! THEY GOT A KAREOKE MACHINE HERE!" Someone else shouted.

"Ooh! I got dibs on Walking on Sunshine!" Mindbender yelled.

"We have a karaoke machine?" Cobra Commander looked at Destro.

"You stole it a few ports ago," Destro explained. "You were drunk and thought it was a weapon."

"Oh right. I took it from that bar," Cobra Commander remembered. "You know I thought at the time it was weird to put alcohol next to some weapons of mass destruction."

"Look! I am your captain! You do as I say you blundering…" Zanzibar shouted.

He was interrupted by a blast of laser fire which he barely got out of the way from. "SHUT YOUR FACE ZANZIBAR!" A pirate yelled.

"WE'RE ON BREAK!" Pete yelled.

"Or we could go later," Zanzibar rescinded. "It's your choice lads."

"Oh dear…" Destro sighed. He gave the Commander a look.

"Okay I admit it. This wasn't one of my better plans," Cobra Commander waved.

"You **think?**" The Baroness gave him a look.

Several hours and many badly sung songs later…

"Bye! See you!" Mindbender and the Twins waved at the disappearing ship.

"Yeah, yeah…" Cobra Commander groaned.

"Don't forget to hound Zartan until he gives you money!" Destro called out.

"This is officially the worst cruise I have ever been on," Cobra Commander grumbled.

"I thought it was a lovely party," Mindbender remarked. Cobra Commander glared at him. "What? We needed a change of pace!"

"Well that was pointless and stupid," The Baroness grumbled.

"Not necessarily," Destro smirked. "If there is one thing **guaranteed** to annoy someone that has money, it is the intrusion of relatives."

"So you got Zanzibar to go after Zartan on purpose?" Mindbender blinked.

"How someone like **you** ever became a scientist I will never understand," Cobra Commander glared at Mindbender. "Of course he did! Destro wants revenge on Zartan like Boston wants another World Series Title!"

"And if I know Zanzibar he will deliver," Destro smirked. "In **spades!**"

"Did anybody bother to ask for directions while the pirates were here?" The Baroness asked.

"Oops," Mindbender blinked. "I forgot."

"What's to know? We just go in the same direction the pirates went and we'll hit land eventually!" Cobra Commander waved. "They went that way so we'll go _that way_!"

"What about food? Thanks to the Pirates Pirate party we have even less supplies than before!" The Baroness protested.

"Oh for crying out…Hold on!" Cobra Commander stormed below decks. A few minutes later he came back out carrying two grenades. "FIRE IN THE HOLE!" He pulled out the pins and threw them.

BOOM! BOOM!

"There! There's dinner!" Cobra Commander snapped as he pointed to the fish floating at the surface. "And it's cooked! Go get it!" He stormed below decks. "I have to think of everything around here!"

"We're doomed aren't we?" The Baroness asked.

"That's pretty much a given, yes," Destro sighed.

"At least we'll have a nice seafood buffet before we go," Mindbender looked over the railing.


End file.
